Heavy Blanket

This was the kids a few days ago. Right before Spring Break. Oh yeah...they got two days extra for Spring Break due to the ...ummmm...blizzard (?) we had. It was awesome while it was snowing and I certainly understood why they got out of school on Thursday since it was expected to get worse during the day. But, Friday,...it was all done for us. I took the kids to a real sled hill for some boarding fun. I took pics, but on my phone and I haven't figured out the best way to transfer them to my computer. We also went on Saturday, and yes I forgot to take my camera that day, too. It wasn't as gorgeous since a lot of the snow was gone from the hill, but there were still some paths a boarder could take. There is still some hope I'll get some decent boarding pics since we're going up too Estes Park on Thursday in hopes of finding some good sledding snow.

Here are what my flowers look like after being blanketed by a heavy foot of snow. They are still trying to recover. My poor, poor babes. I know the pansies will have a long life over the summer, but those daffodils have just a short while to show their beauty.

I feel like this little flower. Maybe it was the unexpected start of Spring break when we have nothing planned. I just feel that achy weight in my belly that I need busy-ness to cover up. We had expected to have baseball all weekend. Canceled. Too much empty time to feel that weight. Even my runs haven't filled my belly with happiness. Nor the yoga. I'm too unsettled, too filled with an odd angst. In some ways I feel like I'm blindfolded and being spun and it's about time for me to pin the tail on the donkey, but I have no idea what way to go. Except it's no kids game.

On Saturday the N came into my room. I was feeling this angst so completely that I was taking my time going downstairs. This feeling is toxic and easily affects all who come near it. I tried to explain to the N that I was feeling a bit sad and was just taking some time to myself. He sat with me for a few moments while I scrolled through some online job ads. We weren't talking or anything, but my toxic glumness attached itself to him. It was like some alien movie. Just having him there was bringing some peace to me, but it was having the opposite reaction for him. It was like the toxin transferred itself to my baby. What really happened was that he has awareness of our problems and woes, and neither the R or I are very heroic at hiding our feelings. Seeing me sad just brought his awareness to the forefront. But it was just so odd the way it happened; how it seeped from me to him. We sat for a quiet few moments and moved away from it, that toxic slug, but it really emphasized for me how we need to be a bit more protective of our sensitive N.

Next year we're going somewhere for Spring break.

This is what I want to feel like. Ready to bloom. That's what I'm striving for.