We buy a new box of it every spring. They draw all sorts of things, pictures, mini baseball fields, tennis courts, but race tracks tend to be the most common creation. We haven't bought our new box yet, but we have a few stray pieces laying about in the garage, on the lawn, in the rocks.
Yesterday during a playdate with a little friend who's name starts with a J, but isn't the J (my J), another boy, Z, joined them. Now the other J used to live a couple houses down so he and Z know each other, but have never had what could be called an easy relationship. Actually I think they would say they hate each other just about 80% of the time you might ask them. In spite of this Z joined up with the J, the M, and the other J. Things must not have been going well because after awhile the J, the M, and the other J came into the house. There was not a guilty look between them. Z came over a few minutes later...with his mother. Now you know, that's just never a good sign when the mom comes over to have a word with you.
It turned out that the J, the M, and the other J have been doing pretty good in the 1st grade learning how to write and spell and all of that 1st grade stuff. So now...not only can they draw little pictures with chalk they can write nasty notes with it as well. I don't know how it started, it must have been my 4th child "it wasn't me" who I haven't talked about a lot, but who has quite a presence in our house. From the conversation with the Z and his mom I was able to get that some boys, the very boys who were in my house, had written some not very nice things about the Z. My focus at the time was on the general not being nice behavior, the saying mean things about someone, that sort of thing. I talked to my boys about how they can have more than one friend and that they can be nice to more than one kid at a time. I didn't know the specifics of what they wrote and instead focused on the boys playing nicely together. I wasn't sure exactly how to handle it since the other J was at our house until a designated time and I couldn't just send him home. As it turned out Z came in they had a snack and played together until it was time for the other J to go home. I had already decided that it would be awhile before the other J would be coming back and that they would be playing with other, less manipulative friends for awhile. He had already t-ed the R and I off the minute he walked in the door.
Later, I talked to them about what had happened, digging in just a little deeper, trying to help them realize that they had hurt a friend's feelings with their behavior and come to find out they actually wrote bad words describing Z. It was dark at the time, so it wasn't until this morning that we actually went out to see what was written. It was clearly written, their teacher would've been impressed with their penmanship, although I don't know what most of it said. There was a lot of Z is ... It was quite clearly however, not nice stuff. And jackass was amongst the words chosen. It doesn't look pretty in pretty colors either. I never was able to get clear who wrote what, but it didn't matter so much...because my 2 participants are grounded for awhile. One confessed to writing a bad word that he couldn't remember. The other remembered writing Z's name. They both said the other J wrote the jackass part. They both looked pretty chagrined while cleaning it up this morning.
Now as parents both the R and I have had problems with both Z and the other J. Z is totally into guns and playing Halo (remember he's in 1st grade). We've stopped our kids from going to his house because they played Halo and Call of Duty 4 on the x-box. Both games we explicitely forbid them to play. The M in particular was drawn to Z when he moved in because he loved, loved, loved his Star Wars lightsaber and clone trooper guns. We don't forbid playing guns outright, but we try to redirect them after a while. So I think some of our feelings about the games has affected the boys feelings towards the Z. That and the fact that he doesn't seem to play many other games. If it's not x-box Halo it's pretend Halo. While I'm okay with Star Wars pretend games, I'm not fine with the Halo stuff. It may be a thin line I'm drawing since both are steeped in violence, but the Star Wars stuff is very much pretend. So that's my line and I'm sticking to it.
Now the other J is a different story. It's not that he plays games we don't like, he is just very bossy and demanding at times. It was likely his influence that spawned the writing spree outside. He had a glinty expression while I was talking to him. And I'm all too familiar with all of the difficulties he has in school with his classmates, teacher, and all. I know from other moms that he was known among a lot of kids as the "bad" J (there were 2 kids in their class with the same J name). Like I said earlier something he said upon entering the house had already gotten my hackles up. In my mind I may have been thinking something like jackass .
I suppose all parents see their kids in a different light. I know that both Z's parents and the other J's parents think the other kid is totally the problem. We, the R and I, definitely know our kids behaved like jerks, jackasses even. We also realize that they are 6 and still learning the skills of juggling their feelings, conflicts with friends, and how to be in the middle when 2 friends don't get along. But I didn't ground them for their behavior until I realized that they had deliberately used words they know they aren't to use, and against someone who friend or not, deserving or not, was hurt by it. My initial plan was going to be one of avoidance...different playdates for awhile.
I know how I want my kids to behave: The language thing is obvious. I really don't want them to be thinking jackass. Jerk should be plenty powerful for a 6 year old. That goes for my 10 year old as well. And probably should for their mother, too.
It's the friendship thing that is less clear. I want them to know that they don't have to be best friends with everyone, but they should be polite about it; they shouldn't expect to always be the rule setters, but they can also walk away from a game they don't want to play. Politely. They can play with Z if they want to, but they don't have to play only the games he wants to. And the fact that the other J doesn' t like Z shouldn't affect their own opinions. And just because I don't like Z's gun games and their chosen x-box games doesn't mean he's a bad kid, even though he does at times behave like a jackass. It's hard for them to get all of these shades of gray. Wait until they realize the world isn't just black, white, or gray, but all of those colors in the crayon box. Life choices will be even tougher then.
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