Half-Time Chill

I've never been very good at leaving things half done. Especially if it's a problem I'm trying to solve (unless it's a people problem...then I'd rather just bury my head in the sand and hope it fades away, but that's a different topic).

Last week I was building a new web page using a tool. I'm building a site for a friend, for the experience (in other words I'm not getting paid!). I was staring at the paths to images and files the tool created and it just wasn't right. The other pages had been fine, but this one just looked odd. I fussed, and I mean fussed, for a couple of hours trying to figure out what I'd changed and where I'd changed it. I didn't want to save the file because I didn't want to save something that was wrong. Well...as it turned out the tool doesn't set the path names until you do save the file. Well...duh. There's a couple of hours of my life I'd like back, please.

I wouldn't really consider this too big of a problem since that sort of thing happens. Sorting through problems requires false steps. But, this happened right during the time I prepare dinner...for my family. The people who I should've been paying some attention to at that point, but who I was steadfastly ignoring as I groaned into my hands wondering what in the heck was going on. I was making dinner, but while things were cooking I was staring at my computer, hacking at the keys, and moaning, "What happened? What did I do?" interwoven with "Honey, mommy is trying to fix something. I'll read with you (spell with you, listen to you) later." Bug off. No, I really didn't say that!

I was this way when I was working too. My focus could be intense especially if I felt the pressure of impending deadlines. My tenacity made me a good problem solver, but it also made me difficult to work with. Sometimes I was too wrapped up in the solving and not as into the niceties as I should've been.

My husband has no problem with getting up and walking away from a problem and coming back to it later. He also had no problem advising me to do the same, which I, of course, ignore. Otherwise I might end up getting testy. If I were to get up and walk away from the problem I wouldn't really be able to get away from it. It would be haunting me at some level. And I'd probably still be testy. With an unsolved problem waiting for me.

I do wonder about how this will all play out if I end up working from home. And really with the ease with which you can take your work home with you on your laptop, I'm not sure how well I'm going to do with being a working mom. I'm an okay worker. I'm an okay mom. But putting them together? I'm not sure how well I'll be able to balance the two. I'm by nature high-strung without much of a reason to be. I've always needed serious downtime to unwind. Long hikes after work did the job. I didn't have kids to get home for, though. I worry that being a working mom will put me into high anxiety mode on a constant basis. I know that it's a matter of balance. Things have to be given up. Trade-offs have to be made. And it needs to be done. Just how. Just when. Those things I do not know. And that's probably been just about as stressful as it will be once it all goes into play. And maybe that's the answer. If I can give up the underlying stress of worrying about the future and just deal with the stress of actually living it maybe it will balance out stress for stress. I can hope can't I?