Oh the memories...

It's hard to believe I got a college degree all those many years ago and this is how I spend my time! Actually this year I didn't stress much over J and M's birthday party. Once we decided we weren't going to spend $200 bouncing around I let go and didn't think much about it at all. After all having a sleep over is practically free (except for the little lego sets for the goody bags).

Saturday morning I did my long run for the week (12 miles!). Then it was time to think about having a bunch of 7 year old boys in the house for the evening and night. I kept my body from stiffening up after the run by doing housework, standing around in the kitchen making meatballs and cake.

I wasn't happy though. J and M have 2 friends who don't get along. Literally they fight. Long ago we had decided that when one is invited over we wouldn't have the other one over because it was just not fun for us at all. Unfortunately that would mean that one friend would be excluded from the big sleepover. And that was our initial plan as unsettling as that is. Yes. We were going to be jerks. I think that we had hopes that this would be the weekend he would be at his dad's. I know I had hoped it would work out that way. Of course it didn't. In the couple of days leading up to the big day and the big day itself he was here. All. of. the. Time. In the end we decided we would just have to deal with ever friction came up between the boys. I went over and talked to his mom and explained it all. And he came over for the party. Yay! I felt much relieved. It felt like we were on the right path again.

Having both of the boys didn't really add much to the general level of stress anyway. It's just hectic having that many kids in our small house. I had envisioned sending the R downstairs to be the enforcer, but no... he went to sleep. So...I stayed up until the last boy had fallen asleep. They did pretty good - it wasn't that long after midnight. I was extra tired though since I'd gotten up early to run. I had planned on making pancakes and sausage for breakfast on Sunday, but the N was up first and helped make each kid's breakfast. What a sweetie!

Once the party was over and the boys went home we could settle in and celebrate a quiet birthday. J and M busied themselves with legos for most of the day. I may have napped! It's funny, but it wasn't until the evening during nighttime snuggles that we really stopped to reflect on 7 years ago. It's amazing how long ago that seems. My tiny boys...all three of them really. The N was only 3, but acted so big. I remembered how he had just cried so heartbrokenly on the phone when he realized that I would be staying at the hospital. Now he just smiles when I remind him of his sweetness and tell him how we talked on the phone that first night, how we did our goodnights, sang our songs, told our stories until he went to sleep holding the phone. I reflect too of what has changed. I realized I don't hold them enough anymore. I miss it. So much.

Yesterday my neighbor told me she's 14 weeks pregnant with fraternal twins. She wants to pick my brain. To hear about what it was like. I can see bittersweet times are ahead. I already feel tears pricking my eyes and I haven't even really gone back yet. I'm looking forward to visiting my memories. I can feel my boys in my arms now. They really love it there, they just don't seek them out as often as they used to. And I don't seek them out as often as I used to. There's no good reason for that.

Too often it seems as though I am angry with them. I AM at times. I get so tired of getting on them about the same old things. I don't like seeing toys in every room of the house. I don't like having to always tell them to make their beds and get dressed before going to the computer or the tv. I don't want to argue about homework before ps3. They are participants in our relationship, too. They have an end to keep up. They have to think about how I feel about things, too. It's not all about them, or all about the R, or all about me. We're a family and we have to care about what is important to each other. But they need to realize that these moments where I get angry are fleeting moments. That we move on from it (once they pick up their crap!). I feel that they take it to heart too much. Instead of just going to take care of whatever they need to, they get sullen. It seems to snowball then. I don't think I should have to coddle or plead with them to do their jobs. If they don't follow through they deserve to have some consequence which may be my annoyance. Guys, just pick up your stuff so we can move on!

I look forward to having freshly remembered their babyness and bringing them into my arms to tell them all about it. It will be nice to change the conversation every once in a while. We need that.