Oh the memories...

It's hard to believe I got a college degree all those many years ago and this is how I spend my time! Actually this year I didn't stress much over J and M's birthday party. Once we decided we weren't going to spend $200 bouncing around I let go and didn't think much about it at all. After all having a sleep over is practically free (except for the little lego sets for the goody bags).

Saturday morning I did my long run for the week (12 miles!). Then it was time to think about having a bunch of 7 year old boys in the house for the evening and night. I kept my body from stiffening up after the run by doing housework, standing around in the kitchen making meatballs and cake.

I wasn't happy though. J and M have 2 friends who don't get along. Literally they fight. Long ago we had decided that when one is invited over we wouldn't have the other one over because it was just not fun for us at all. Unfortunately that would mean that one friend would be excluded from the big sleepover. And that was our initial plan as unsettling as that is. Yes. We were going to be jerks. I think that we had hopes that this would be the weekend he would be at his dad's. I know I had hoped it would work out that way. Of course it didn't. In the couple of days leading up to the big day and the big day itself he was here. All. of. the. Time. In the end we decided we would just have to deal with ever friction came up between the boys. I went over and talked to his mom and explained it all. And he came over for the party. Yay! I felt much relieved. It felt like we were on the right path again.

Having both of the boys didn't really add much to the general level of stress anyway. It's just hectic having that many kids in our small house. I had envisioned sending the R downstairs to be the enforcer, but no... he went to sleep. So...I stayed up until the last boy had fallen asleep. They did pretty good - it wasn't that long after midnight. I was extra tired though since I'd gotten up early to run. I had planned on making pancakes and sausage for breakfast on Sunday, but the N was up first and helped make each kid's breakfast. What a sweetie!

Once the party was over and the boys went home we could settle in and celebrate a quiet birthday. J and M busied themselves with legos for most of the day. I may have napped! It's funny, but it wasn't until the evening during nighttime snuggles that we really stopped to reflect on 7 years ago. It's amazing how long ago that seems. My tiny boys...all three of them really. The N was only 3, but acted so big. I remembered how he had just cried so heartbrokenly on the phone when he realized that I would be staying at the hospital. Now he just smiles when I remind him of his sweetness and tell him how we talked on the phone that first night, how we did our goodnights, sang our songs, told our stories until he went to sleep holding the phone. I reflect too of what has changed. I realized I don't hold them enough anymore. I miss it. So much.

Yesterday my neighbor told me she's 14 weeks pregnant with fraternal twins. She wants to pick my brain. To hear about what it was like. I can see bittersweet times are ahead. I already feel tears pricking my eyes and I haven't even really gone back yet. I'm looking forward to visiting my memories. I can feel my boys in my arms now. They really love it there, they just don't seek them out as often as they used to. And I don't seek them out as often as I used to. There's no good reason for that.

Too often it seems as though I am angry with them. I AM at times. I get so tired of getting on them about the same old things. I don't like seeing toys in every room of the house. I don't like having to always tell them to make their beds and get dressed before going to the computer or the tv. I don't want to argue about homework before ps3. They are participants in our relationship, too. They have an end to keep up. They have to think about how I feel about things, too. It's not all about them, or all about the R, or all about me. We're a family and we have to care about what is important to each other. But they need to realize that these moments where I get angry are fleeting moments. That we move on from it (once they pick up their crap!). I feel that they take it to heart too much. Instead of just going to take care of whatever they need to, they get sullen. It seems to snowball then. I don't think I should have to coddle or plead with them to do their jobs. If they don't follow through they deserve to have some consequence which may be my annoyance. Guys, just pick up your stuff so we can move on!

I look forward to having freshly remembered their babyness and bringing them into my arms to tell them all about it. It will be nice to change the conversation every once in a while. We need that.

Double Rainbows

Well this is a day late, but hopefully not a syllable short. I'm participating in the PerPoTues at The Little Stuff of Life.

Double Rainbows

Faded hues. Reflect

yet another, more vibrant.

Hope fades. Then returns.

We've seen a lot of these double rainbows this year. It's been a couple of weeks since this photo was taken from my back porch. We haven't had many storms as of late. Not outside anyway.

Rainbows of course are used as symbols of many things - peace, unity, a promise between God and man. The storm is winding down, the sun's face is showing. It's supposed to get better now.

I personally like storms. I love the energy and the excitement of thunder and lightening. There are just times I need that energy to come from outside of myself.

I always think of a book I used to read to my kids where one of the main characters is glum and stays glum until a good thunderstorm comes along to shake things up.

I feel like Toot.

It's the same during the winter. I like to see the snow falling, making the ground white. That means that today is going to be a little different than yesterday. And probably different than tomorrow.

But's it's also nice when the storm stops. On summer days the air is still cool, damp, and fresh. Often when it's still stormy to the east we're treated with the luminous arc of colors that makes us just stop for a moment to look. We usually share the moment. And it's quiet. Calm. For a moment.

Figure 8 Crazy

The N's Cub Scout pack held the flag at the opening ceremony at the Colorado National Speedway last Saturday evening. Racing here is small time. The 24 car didn't have Jeff Gordon in it or anything. But The N loves to watch races so he was pretty excited about being able to go down onto the track with his Scout buds.

For me racing is okay, but I'm good for about the last 10 laps at Bristol. And that's on the television. Once the excitement of a spin out is passed you still to wait a long time for the green, green, green. And then you are lucky if you get 4 more laps before another caution goes into play. But I thought, hey, it'll probably be fun for a couple of hours anyway.

There were a variety of races. Some were stock cars much like the NASCAR cars that are on the big circuit. This is a NASCAR race track, just a lower (much!) tier of competition. A couple of the races I picked a fave car and routed for it (they ended up in 2nd place both times). Most of the time I was pretty bored with it all. It's just like the R says - "a bunch of bubbas going in circles". Except...

For the crazies who do figure 8 racing. What is up with that? It's like the normal crashing into the wall and spinning out is no longer enough. No! We want to see people racing through an intersection and hopefully really have a smash-up. This is the configuration of the speedway:

During the Figure 8 race the cars don't drive the oval, they drive the ends and through the crossover (which isn't actually over, there is no over). So it all starts just fine when the cars are all bunched up, but of course after the first couple of laps the fast guys get ahead and are soon over a half of a lap in front of the slow pokes. I watched this race with hands over my eyes, because I REALLY didn't want to see a wreck. That's not excitement in my book. I look away when I see ambulances and firetrucks at an intersection. I watch anything resembling a horror film through my fingers. The idea of a train wreck makes me want to run the other way. I won't even watch Jon and Kate + 8 (minus 1, or is it minus 2?) or any other reality type TV. Frankly, they scare and depress me.

The rest of the time at the track I just watched people and wondered. Why are you here? What pleasure are you getting from this? Is watching the tow crews pull a car out of the wall some sort of a highlight for you?

I just don't get it.

Only 13.1 miles to go

We are approaching the end of summer vacation at an alarming pace. During our first hour after school let out last May I wondered how I would survive the summer. 3 months. 3 potentially hot months (though it didn't turn out that way). The boys were bored, maybe feeling the let down of not being busy all of a sudden, not having anything they had to do, and thus not knowing where to begin. I wasn't bored. Not by a long shot. I was still recovering from all of the end of the year activities, doing some Dreamweaver and Photoshop work, and still trying to figure out how we would spend summer.

Well. We figured it out. We just lived it. We hung around. A lot. We had a lot of baseball. A lot of baseball. Some golf. Some swimming. Lots of burgers, hot dogs and popsicles. Lots of green ice tea and IZZEs. Lots of salads, berries, and melon. Grilled chicken. Yum! Skateboarding and bike riding. A bit of hiking, with more to come next week. I ran 2 10K races and 1 5k race and decided somewhere down the road that I would train for a 1/2 marathon, 13.1 miles of running.

But almost 3 months have gone by. We've had fun. The kids have wound down. I've even wound down even though really I'm always on edge, wound up, trying to figure out the next move. What. Should. I. Do. Always in the back of my mind. Send a resume here. Send a resume there. Hopefully the summer has been fine for the kids. I'd hate to think that they are so aware of my internal struggle. There are days I feel like I have a plan of action. There are days I feel like I'm starting from scratch with no idea of how to proceed. My only consistent focus has been on running, getting ready for Sept 6th, a 10 mile race, then Sept. 20th. the 13 mile event. Most of my other self improvements have gone by the wayside.

I would've expected more off of my waistline given running more. Last week I ran over 20 miles! That's almost twice as much as I was running at the beginning of the summer. Obviously I'm not really seeing what I'm eating because my stomach is still out there. I see a difference all over in terms of my muscles, but the fat is still sitting there. The mirror always surprises me, because I feel so much better than I look. I didn't want to start school as the frumpy mother again. In spite of all of my physical activity I still have the look of frump. Sigh. That's not likely to change in the next 2 weeks before school begins.


On the days I feel good I feel like I'm able to start over again, anew. On those other days, I realize that not everything is in my control and I can't plan those things.

All I can control is my eating, my running, and how I reevaluate my next steps. Only 13.1 miles to go.

What is the sound a balloon makes?

Something like pffffttttttttttttttttttttttt? I feel like that today.

A week ago I ventured out to a short informal job interview. You know the one that gets your foot in the door for the big, full-day, more stringent, rigid, maybe you'll actually get the position interview ?

I went to the interview nervous, but confident in my ability to do the advertised job. A friend had pretty much badgered his old boss into giving me an interview because I was "perfect" and "highly qualified" for the job. I'm not sure HR agreed since they didn't pass my resume on the the man I was going to interview with. My previous communication with the HR guy consisted of a lot of "what have you been doing for the past few years?" types of questions...and not a lot of encouragement given my answers.

Pre-interview hours were spent studying up on certain technical aspects of the job, coming up with what I should wear (not a suit, since it was much more informal), and getting my nails done so I'd look a little bit pulled together. Getting ready for the interview, I felt like crap about myself and how I look. When I last worked I was about 25lbs lighter, well...before I gained the 60lbs while pregnant with the N during those last 8 months of working. I was also almost 11 years younger - and I can sure see the difference. And there is not much you can do about carrying too much weight in 2 days.

During the interview I did okay. I was able to talk about my work in the past and comment on the job and it's responsibilities and how I would fit in. However...it has been a long, long, long time since I'd done that work. While I remember at a high-level power point chart type of way what it was all about, being able to give exact detail was difficult. When I was a consultant I was on 3 different engagements. I remember the engagements, where they were, who I was with, etc. What I don't remember is what the heck I did all day. Seriously. One of the engagements I was responsible for establishing the IT processes and requirements for a client for whom we were building an SAP system, but wow...that's about all I can remember. We didn't use any special tools... I just documented things using MSWord and Powerpoint. On another engagement I managed the development of a system that received input from suppliers about part inventories and such that was used for Supply Chain Management by our client. Again...I cannot remember much about how I spent each day.

The worst thing was that on my way home as I pondered the interview I had an epiphany about the job. They are in the process of redefining how people and external systems access the data from their system. We did something similar when I was at my aerospace job. I was smack dab in the middle of determining the architecture of the system, developing requirements, use cases, etc, but I completely forgot about that, given that at the time I was also managing 40 engineers and our current system. That project was like a baby I had that I forgot about. Once I remembered it, it was like a flood gate of knowledge just poured from my closed up little brain.

I emailed the man I talked to with a thank you for the interview and discussed the project that I had done that was so similar to what his department is embarking upon. But it was too little too late. The door closed with my foot firmly outside. pffffttttttttttttttttttttttt

There are still some opportunities out there. My friend has also talked me up to another manager, in a group that is probably more closely aligned with what I used to do.

What worries me is where do I go from here, if that job doesn't work out? My experience isn't getting stronger while I'm sitting here not working. I'm stuck in the under qualified for a lot of jobs, over qualified for a lot of jobs, but out of the loop for too long for most of the jobs. It's not like I can just learn the new programming languages and start from that. I don't think many would hire me for entry level programming jobs. I feel like I'm walking in circles here. If the many years of experience I had before the N was born is now no longer valid, I'm likely to just do something completely different.

I've started looking into medical tech fields like diagnostic imaging. It's not going to be a $20K degree (I hope!) and it shouldn't take that long to do the program. And I can start from the beginning with that alternative. Sometimes the beginning is best...that known starting place. Something that everyone can agree upon.

Intentional Walks

When I watch professional baseball on TV, nothing gets me riled up more than watching a pitcher playing catch with the catcher outside the batter's box, not allowing the batter a chance to hit the ball. I actually will um...talk...to the pitcher through the TV. The words chicken plus a few more letters (4 to be exact), cross my lips. I know it's a strategy, but it DRIVES ME CRAZY. Pitch to the batter! Don't be afraid. Don't you think you can handle him? Stop relying on a loophole and just play it straight! I kind of have the same problem with intentional fouling in basketball (though I understand that better) and shorting the stock market.

Don't we humans create complicated systems? It seems in so many areas of our lives knowing how to manipulate the rules has become as much a part of the game as just playing the game used to be. It's made winning more important than playing a good, strong, decent game.

I heard a story about the N's baseball coach that took me back a bit. He has always struck me as someone who wanted to play the game out, to let the kids finish it out on their own merit, rather than having something as random as weather or something affect the outcome. I respected that. I would rather win because we played well rather than the other team made a lot of mistakes.

What I heard about our coach has made me see him quite differently. Last year's team was quite a bit stronger than this year's team and we'd always been aware there had been a huge break in the team that caused the team to fragment and split. The old assistant coach was and still is an a$$. I've seen him swear at the kids' on his team, get seriously terse with the blue and the other team coaches. He's been very well known around the league and had been ejected from games on more than one occasion, including the very first game that we played against them this year. From our sideline his antics were rather humorous because it was just so ludicrous. He ended up being banned from the league a month ago after throwing a ball into his team's dugout while there was still a child in it. He has no business being a coach.

The a$$ coach and our coach had a serious falling out that led to our coach being suspended from the league that they were both in. We didn't know the exact circumstances and believed that the a$$ had tried to take down our coach. We'd certainly never seen anything in our coach that concerned us in terms of how he treats the kids and his integrity.

During a break in this weekend's league tournament we heard the story. Apparently this time last year during the same tournament the team was on the championship path. There is a very strong team at the top of our league who appears to be pretty invincible. I think that they are actually playing down by being in AAA instead of majors. I guess last year they were just as strong. Our team (before it was our team) was playing them in the potential final game...or if our team lost the second to last game (so the other team had already lost a game). The other team was weakened because two of their star players, twin brothers, were just getting back from vacation and expected to land at the airport at 3pm. During the game I guess there were some problems, some minor injuries, and our guys were starting to lose the game.

What we were told by a parent who's son was on our team last year, was that the umpires had told our coach that he could forfeit the current game (take the loss) and start off the next and final game right away. This would reduce the chance of the star players for the other team arriving in time for the game. If the current game continued on and our team ended up losing then they would most likely have to face those boys and the other team and likely lose again. Hmmmm....

After a meeting with parents our coach decided to forfeit and go on to the next game. It ended up not mattering anyway because even though our team was winning that last game, once the star boys got there our boys wilted and lost the game. End of story according to the other parent.

Really? That was the coaching approach to handling this team and that game? Really? WTF was screaming in my head. I may be naive. I may think like a baby. Is winning really worth getting there by tweaking around the rules? Why not win by playing the game better than the other team? Is that really so naive, so passe?

Besides the questionable integrity issues, what our coach communicated to his team last year was that, no, they could NOT win against that other team when they had all of their players. They could not come up with game winning strategies to beat them, so instead we'll go to the rule book for some sort of loophole. He elevated those star boys to being in the sky instead of talking to our boys about how to play against them. In that moment, being a champion wasn't coming from within. It's hoping that someone trips instead of hoping you can be faster than them. And that drives me crazy. No wonder the boys faded once those other boys came onto the field. They weren't taught strategies on how to play against them. They were being taught how to avoid playing them. That is not a winning attitude. Not in my book.

This weekend we watched as that other team pummelled the lowest seed team at the beginning of the tournament. One of the star boys had gotten 3 home runs by hitting the ball over the outfielder's head repeatly. One of our players was literally awestruck as he explained it to me. All of our boys who were watching the game had their mouths wide open. I asked the boy who raved about the 3 homers, "so, if you were playing them and they hit the ball over your head what would you do the next time that kid was up to bat?". He just looked at me, completely clueless. I said something to the affect of "wouldn't you position yourself further back so you could have a chance to catch the ball next time?". Inside my head I screamed, "Wouldn't you?" Because I already knew the answer. He wouldn't. He would again just stand there and humbly bow as the ball flew by. Because he would have already given up.

Our team isn't very good this year and we've been surprised by how the team in general seems to lack the drive and ambition to try to be really good. None of the better players are that leader-like. Our N and one of the other good pitchers seem to be more the loner types who perfect their skills on their own. I know N feels that being new on the team puts him in the backseat. He's that kind of kid. We couldn't figure out what the heck had happened because we knew that last year's team had been so strong. And the story we had made up in our own minds was that the harda$$ parents had followed the a$$ coach and the "nicer", less pushy and competitive, parents had stayed with our coach. But now I have to wonder...was it the parents and kids who felt confident enough in the abilities of the kids' to play the game, really play the game, who left, leaving behind those who were less certain, more apt to slump the shoulders rather than play as hard as they could even if they ended up losing in the end.

To be fair our coach had told the R a similar story about what had happened last year. Except he told the story as though in the first game there were injuries and they decided to forfeit to give the boys time to rest before the next game. Important details that he left out: that the next game was against the same team for the championship, who the other team was, that the game was to follow immediately so there was NO rest time, and that the opposing team had two star players on the way for the second game. The story sounded quite different given those slight modifications.

As a footnote, just in case you thought our coach was the only jerk on the field, this weekend the awesome kiss the sky team played against another team we know and almost lost. I would imagine they were a bit on the stunned side. According to a parent who's son was on the losing team, the coach for the awesome, invincible team called "get off the mound" while his kids were up to bat (bad because his team wasn't on the mound pitching). The pitcher for the other team thought was his coach and he made the move causing him to get called for a balk, which had effect of allowing the tying run to come in due to the penalty. Another run came in that resulted in our friends' team to lose against awesome, star boys team. This was the story as told to us by parents on the losing team, but it doesn't surprise me. We were watching the game on the side of the awesome team and the stress was palpable. They didn't know how to lose. Winning at all costs is the lesson to the kids.

I hope to use these baseball coaches as lessons for my kids too. Children: This is what you don't want to be when you grow up.

What I want them to learn:

You practice how you play. You need your passion to make you want to practice and play hard. Watch the seams of the ball. Hit the ball. Run as fast as you can. Pitch on the corners below the belt. Play back when you are in center field. Try to make the catch; your glove isn't a magnet; you may have to run after it. Throw bullets not rainbows. Be in the game. Have fun with it. Let your passion lead you.

How Can You Have Just One?

I was doing some Google research on motivation, as in how to obtain myself some. I used to have plenty, but I don't know where it all went. Before I got sidetracked on Lumosity, a game playing site, I read something about limiting one's goals. You know, you've probably read something similar before. Don't decide that it's time to lose weight, time to start exercising, time to write that novel bouncing around in your brain, time to start cooking gourmet cuisine, time to redecorate your abode, time to ... well you get it.


I thought about my goals. Right now I'm trying to lose about 25lbs, speed up my pace and lengthen my running time, look for a new job, learn some new technology for website development, have a more zen-like approach to my life. All things that are important to me...right now! The only problem? I cannot seem to move.


I don't know why.


I've been able to do most of these things before. I've definitely been able to lose substantial amounts of weight. Once I get going I do pretty well. I know what foods I should eat and what quantities are right for me. I even like those foods. Too bad I like sugary foods just as much, if not more. Given my age I probably can't eat as much of them as I used to be able to. I know that it's recommended to not have the dangerous foods in the house, but hey...I don't live alone and the other people don't have the same problem with them that I do. My problem is in my own personal reward system. I seem to think that making it through the day is enough to earn the reward of some m&ms and york peppermint patties. Hey they are both dark chocolate! That's sort of good isn't it? But I'm obviously not burning enough fuel to compensate for the candy.

On the website front.... I like to build websites. I like the immediate gratification of seeing the results of your work. Sometimes software systems take months or years to see the actual system work. But I cannot get myself into reading about these different methodologies and tools for building the websites. I even have 2 projects that I can work on. I'm just not getting paid for these so doing them is obviously not enough incentive, although I'm certain once they are done I'll feel great about them.



I've finally got my resume in order. That's no small task given it's been 10 years since I stopped working and needed to have a resume. I've even submitted it for a few jobs. I look at some of these jobs and I know I can do them. I used to do very similar work. But they are fairly high up the chain and I feel that being out of the loop so long is a huge detriment. But stepping into a job like that would be easier than stepping into something a little lower down, but more technical. So much of the technical stuff is different now. There seem to be so many programming and scripting languages. It used to be if you knew one employers realized you could learn another quickly. Now learning on the job doesn't appear to ever be an option. So you have to pick which language to focus on and hope there is enough demand for that one. Sigh...



Anyway...supposedly having too many goals is motivation and energy draining. Ah ha! Well that explains it! But when all of the goals are important to obtain, like I really need to lose weight and exercise while re-learning the new technologies and get past being a SAHM for over 10 years and move into the working world I find I cannot just choose one to focus on.

Maybe divvying up my day into specific chunks of time devoted to working towards my goals might help me get the discipline to accomplish something. Divvy up the goals into daily tasks, too, might help. That's the other big piece of advice, right? Small steps, baby steps,...