What is the sound a balloon makes?

Something like pffffttttttttttttttttttttttt? I feel like that today.

A week ago I ventured out to a short informal job interview. You know the one that gets your foot in the door for the big, full-day, more stringent, rigid, maybe you'll actually get the position interview ?

I went to the interview nervous, but confident in my ability to do the advertised job. A friend had pretty much badgered his old boss into giving me an interview because I was "perfect" and "highly qualified" for the job. I'm not sure HR agreed since they didn't pass my resume on the the man I was going to interview with. My previous communication with the HR guy consisted of a lot of "what have you been doing for the past few years?" types of questions...and not a lot of encouragement given my answers.

Pre-interview hours were spent studying up on certain technical aspects of the job, coming up with what I should wear (not a suit, since it was much more informal), and getting my nails done so I'd look a little bit pulled together. Getting ready for the interview, I felt like crap about myself and how I look. When I last worked I was about 25lbs lighter, well...before I gained the 60lbs while pregnant with the N during those last 8 months of working. I was also almost 11 years younger - and I can sure see the difference. And there is not much you can do about carrying too much weight in 2 days.

During the interview I did okay. I was able to talk about my work in the past and comment on the job and it's responsibilities and how I would fit in. However...it has been a long, long, long time since I'd done that work. While I remember at a high-level power point chart type of way what it was all about, being able to give exact detail was difficult. When I was a consultant I was on 3 different engagements. I remember the engagements, where they were, who I was with, etc. What I don't remember is what the heck I did all day. Seriously. One of the engagements I was responsible for establishing the IT processes and requirements for a client for whom we were building an SAP system, but wow...that's about all I can remember. We didn't use any special tools... I just documented things using MSWord and Powerpoint. On another engagement I managed the development of a system that received input from suppliers about part inventories and such that was used for Supply Chain Management by our client. Again...I cannot remember much about how I spent each day.

The worst thing was that on my way home as I pondered the interview I had an epiphany about the job. They are in the process of redefining how people and external systems access the data from their system. We did something similar when I was at my aerospace job. I was smack dab in the middle of determining the architecture of the system, developing requirements, use cases, etc, but I completely forgot about that, given that at the time I was also managing 40 engineers and our current system. That project was like a baby I had that I forgot about. Once I remembered it, it was like a flood gate of knowledge just poured from my closed up little brain.

I emailed the man I talked to with a thank you for the interview and discussed the project that I had done that was so similar to what his department is embarking upon. But it was too little too late. The door closed with my foot firmly outside. pffffttttttttttttttttttttttt

There are still some opportunities out there. My friend has also talked me up to another manager, in a group that is probably more closely aligned with what I used to do.

What worries me is where do I go from here, if that job doesn't work out? My experience isn't getting stronger while I'm sitting here not working. I'm stuck in the under qualified for a lot of jobs, over qualified for a lot of jobs, but out of the loop for too long for most of the jobs. It's not like I can just learn the new programming languages and start from that. I don't think many would hire me for entry level programming jobs. I feel like I'm walking in circles here. If the many years of experience I had before the N was born is now no longer valid, I'm likely to just do something completely different.

I've started looking into medical tech fields like diagnostic imaging. It's not going to be a $20K degree (I hope!) and it shouldn't take that long to do the program. And I can start from the beginning with that alternative. Sometimes the beginning is best...that known starting place. Something that everyone can agree upon.

Intentional Walks

When I watch professional baseball on TV, nothing gets me riled up more than watching a pitcher playing catch with the catcher outside the batter's box, not allowing the batter a chance to hit the ball. I actually will um...talk...to the pitcher through the TV. The words chicken plus a few more letters (4 to be exact), cross my lips. I know it's a strategy, but it DRIVES ME CRAZY. Pitch to the batter! Don't be afraid. Don't you think you can handle him? Stop relying on a loophole and just play it straight! I kind of have the same problem with intentional fouling in basketball (though I understand that better) and shorting the stock market.

Don't we humans create complicated systems? It seems in so many areas of our lives knowing how to manipulate the rules has become as much a part of the game as just playing the game used to be. It's made winning more important than playing a good, strong, decent game.

I heard a story about the N's baseball coach that took me back a bit. He has always struck me as someone who wanted to play the game out, to let the kids finish it out on their own merit, rather than having something as random as weather or something affect the outcome. I respected that. I would rather win because we played well rather than the other team made a lot of mistakes.

What I heard about our coach has made me see him quite differently. Last year's team was quite a bit stronger than this year's team and we'd always been aware there had been a huge break in the team that caused the team to fragment and split. The old assistant coach was and still is an a$$. I've seen him swear at the kids' on his team, get seriously terse with the blue and the other team coaches. He's been very well known around the league and had been ejected from games on more than one occasion, including the very first game that we played against them this year. From our sideline his antics were rather humorous because it was just so ludicrous. He ended up being banned from the league a month ago after throwing a ball into his team's dugout while there was still a child in it. He has no business being a coach.

The a$$ coach and our coach had a serious falling out that led to our coach being suspended from the league that they were both in. We didn't know the exact circumstances and believed that the a$$ had tried to take down our coach. We'd certainly never seen anything in our coach that concerned us in terms of how he treats the kids and his integrity.

During a break in this weekend's league tournament we heard the story. Apparently this time last year during the same tournament the team was on the championship path. There is a very strong team at the top of our league who appears to be pretty invincible. I think that they are actually playing down by being in AAA instead of majors. I guess last year they were just as strong. Our team (before it was our team) was playing them in the potential final game...or if our team lost the second to last game (so the other team had already lost a game). The other team was weakened because two of their star players, twin brothers, were just getting back from vacation and expected to land at the airport at 3pm. During the game I guess there were some problems, some minor injuries, and our guys were starting to lose the game.

What we were told by a parent who's son was on our team last year, was that the umpires had told our coach that he could forfeit the current game (take the loss) and start off the next and final game right away. This would reduce the chance of the star players for the other team arriving in time for the game. If the current game continued on and our team ended up losing then they would most likely have to face those boys and the other team and likely lose again. Hmmmm....

After a meeting with parents our coach decided to forfeit and go on to the next game. It ended up not mattering anyway because even though our team was winning that last game, once the star boys got there our boys wilted and lost the game. End of story according to the other parent.

Really? That was the coaching approach to handling this team and that game? Really? WTF was screaming in my head. I may be naive. I may think like a baby. Is winning really worth getting there by tweaking around the rules? Why not win by playing the game better than the other team? Is that really so naive, so passe?

Besides the questionable integrity issues, what our coach communicated to his team last year was that, no, they could NOT win against that other team when they had all of their players. They could not come up with game winning strategies to beat them, so instead we'll go to the rule book for some sort of loophole. He elevated those star boys to being in the sky instead of talking to our boys about how to play against them. In that moment, being a champion wasn't coming from within. It's hoping that someone trips instead of hoping you can be faster than them. And that drives me crazy. No wonder the boys faded once those other boys came onto the field. They weren't taught strategies on how to play against them. They were being taught how to avoid playing them. That is not a winning attitude. Not in my book.

This weekend we watched as that other team pummelled the lowest seed team at the beginning of the tournament. One of the star boys had gotten 3 home runs by hitting the ball over the outfielder's head repeatly. One of our players was literally awestruck as he explained it to me. All of our boys who were watching the game had their mouths wide open. I asked the boy who raved about the 3 homers, "so, if you were playing them and they hit the ball over your head what would you do the next time that kid was up to bat?". He just looked at me, completely clueless. I said something to the affect of "wouldn't you position yourself further back so you could have a chance to catch the ball next time?". Inside my head I screamed, "Wouldn't you?" Because I already knew the answer. He wouldn't. He would again just stand there and humbly bow as the ball flew by. Because he would have already given up.

Our team isn't very good this year and we've been surprised by how the team in general seems to lack the drive and ambition to try to be really good. None of the better players are that leader-like. Our N and one of the other good pitchers seem to be more the loner types who perfect their skills on their own. I know N feels that being new on the team puts him in the backseat. He's that kind of kid. We couldn't figure out what the heck had happened because we knew that last year's team had been so strong. And the story we had made up in our own minds was that the harda$$ parents had followed the a$$ coach and the "nicer", less pushy and competitive, parents had stayed with our coach. But now I have to wonder...was it the parents and kids who felt confident enough in the abilities of the kids' to play the game, really play the game, who left, leaving behind those who were less certain, more apt to slump the shoulders rather than play as hard as they could even if they ended up losing in the end.

To be fair our coach had told the R a similar story about what had happened last year. Except he told the story as though in the first game there were injuries and they decided to forfeit to give the boys time to rest before the next game. Important details that he left out: that the next game was against the same team for the championship, who the other team was, that the game was to follow immediately so there was NO rest time, and that the opposing team had two star players on the way for the second game. The story sounded quite different given those slight modifications.

As a footnote, just in case you thought our coach was the only jerk on the field, this weekend the awesome kiss the sky team played against another team we know and almost lost. I would imagine they were a bit on the stunned side. According to a parent who's son was on the losing team, the coach for the awesome, invincible team called "get off the mound" while his kids were up to bat (bad because his team wasn't on the mound pitching). The pitcher for the other team thought was his coach and he made the move causing him to get called for a balk, which had effect of allowing the tying run to come in due to the penalty. Another run came in that resulted in our friends' team to lose against awesome, star boys team. This was the story as told to us by parents on the losing team, but it doesn't surprise me. We were watching the game on the side of the awesome team and the stress was palpable. They didn't know how to lose. Winning at all costs is the lesson to the kids.

I hope to use these baseball coaches as lessons for my kids too. Children: This is what you don't want to be when you grow up.

What I want them to learn:

You practice how you play. You need your passion to make you want to practice and play hard. Watch the seams of the ball. Hit the ball. Run as fast as you can. Pitch on the corners below the belt. Play back when you are in center field. Try to make the catch; your glove isn't a magnet; you may have to run after it. Throw bullets not rainbows. Be in the game. Have fun with it. Let your passion lead you.

How Can You Have Just One?

I was doing some Google research on motivation, as in how to obtain myself some. I used to have plenty, but I don't know where it all went. Before I got sidetracked on Lumosity, a game playing site, I read something about limiting one's goals. You know, you've probably read something similar before. Don't decide that it's time to lose weight, time to start exercising, time to write that novel bouncing around in your brain, time to start cooking gourmet cuisine, time to redecorate your abode, time to ... well you get it.


I thought about my goals. Right now I'm trying to lose about 25lbs, speed up my pace and lengthen my running time, look for a new job, learn some new technology for website development, have a more zen-like approach to my life. All things that are important to me...right now! The only problem? I cannot seem to move.


I don't know why.


I've been able to do most of these things before. I've definitely been able to lose substantial amounts of weight. Once I get going I do pretty well. I know what foods I should eat and what quantities are right for me. I even like those foods. Too bad I like sugary foods just as much, if not more. Given my age I probably can't eat as much of them as I used to be able to. I know that it's recommended to not have the dangerous foods in the house, but hey...I don't live alone and the other people don't have the same problem with them that I do. My problem is in my own personal reward system. I seem to think that making it through the day is enough to earn the reward of some m&ms and york peppermint patties. Hey they are both dark chocolate! That's sort of good isn't it? But I'm obviously not burning enough fuel to compensate for the candy.

On the website front.... I like to build websites. I like the immediate gratification of seeing the results of your work. Sometimes software systems take months or years to see the actual system work. But I cannot get myself into reading about these different methodologies and tools for building the websites. I even have 2 projects that I can work on. I'm just not getting paid for these so doing them is obviously not enough incentive, although I'm certain once they are done I'll feel great about them.



I've finally got my resume in order. That's no small task given it's been 10 years since I stopped working and needed to have a resume. I've even submitted it for a few jobs. I look at some of these jobs and I know I can do them. I used to do very similar work. But they are fairly high up the chain and I feel that being out of the loop so long is a huge detriment. But stepping into a job like that would be easier than stepping into something a little lower down, but more technical. So much of the technical stuff is different now. There seem to be so many programming and scripting languages. It used to be if you knew one employers realized you could learn another quickly. Now learning on the job doesn't appear to ever be an option. So you have to pick which language to focus on and hope there is enough demand for that one. Sigh...



Anyway...supposedly having too many goals is motivation and energy draining. Ah ha! Well that explains it! But when all of the goals are important to obtain, like I really need to lose weight and exercise while re-learning the new technologies and get past being a SAHM for over 10 years and move into the working world I find I cannot just choose one to focus on.

Maybe divvying up my day into specific chunks of time devoted to working towards my goals might help me get the discipline to accomplish something. Divvy up the goals into daily tasks, too, might help. That's the other big piece of advice, right? Small steps, baby steps,...

It's Always Better Come Morning

I awoke last night, wide awake, mind abuzz, stomach tight with angst. After some minutes the clock chimed two times. I lay there in about the same state for over an hour. I know this because I heard the clock as it did its work on each quarter of an hour that I was awake.

What I worried about wasn't really that big of a deal. Well it was, but I bet in a couple of years it'll be history. What I noticed the most was the feeling of gloom and doom. And the lack of an escape plan.

I was worried about the N because he had kind of a loser attitude at his baseball game last night. And worse...it starts before he's made an out. He's in a batting slump right now, but it seems that he thinks he should have great hits every time at the plate. Except he doesn't do a lot of practice. Hmmmm....

What worried me though isn't the strike-out. It's tears. At the second strike. I understand that there is pressure. I understand that he's tense and emotionally he doesn't have a lot alternatives for expression. But it's such a regular thing it seems like a habit. I can't value the tears because they seem to fall a lot and on things far less significant like losing at a video game. I worry about the tears for many reasons: they seem extreme, they perpetuate his outcomes, they weaken him because that becomes the focus. I can't seem to help him move past them, to channel the emotion into something that he can use. We try talking about what he's feeling when it happens. We try to help reduce the pressure by pointing out that no one moment really matters even if it's the last out in the game, it's only one of many outs by many people. We try to help him visualize his success. We try to give him tools to focus. But we can't do it. Only he can. It's hard to let go.

I worry because I'm afraid that he'll give up. I don't want him to start giving up on things because they are hard. This is the first year it's been hard for him in baseball (and other things too). Natural ability got him this far and made it easy for him. Too easy. Now he doesn't understand having to try, having to work at it. It's not baseball I'm afraid that he'll lose. It's the ability to see something through without giving up.

But he doesn't have a good set of models. This is where my angst really lies. Our family angst carpets our home. We have a lot of laughter, a lot of love, but disappointments can thickly fill our rooms too.

We aren't showing him how to work though problems very well even though we would have a lot of opportunity to do so. It's not like we're short of problems.

While we may have plans they are vague. The R working on another advanced degree, slowly plodding along. This degree that might get him some opportunities. Someday.

Me finally starting to submit resumes to get back into the type of work I did before I was a mom. I have ambiguous feelings about it so I'm less than enthusiastic about it. Our lives will change so much. And I don't know if the rewards from the work will offset the disappointment that it came down to me going back to my career full force. And I fretted about my weight which in spite of my running hasn't changed even though my legs and arms feel more muscular. And knowing that losing 20lbs would be best for me hasn't been enough to get me to do it.

How does that lack of determination affect my kids?

So last night while all the thoughts were churning hopelessly in my mind it felt very dark, very deep, far beyond where my hopes could reach out of the cave I was in.

Then sleep took over and morning came. I woke up determined to make a plan. A plan for work. A plan to train. A plan to set a better example. A plan to take control of my out of control life.

Then tonight I'll make a nice cup of tea and eat a bowl of M&Ms and be back to where I was.

That's Two!

I survived today's Sunrise Stampede 10K. I cannot tell you the pride I felt when I crossed the finish line even though the clock read 1:10:37 (70 minutes, 37 seconds). That's about 2 minutes shorter than my BolderBoulder time. I think I ran about the same pace, but I was able to run a straight line rather than constantly weaving in and out. The day was gorgeous! A little warmer than during the BolderBoulder, but not too hot. A year ago I couldn't run a mile, let alone 6.

It was just me since the N had to head up to Cheyenne for a baseball tournament. The twins spent the night at a friends so I was able to go home, shower, change, and even make a fresh latte before picking them up and whisking them off to Wyoming for a baseball game.

Probably not the wisest way to spend over 4 hours given the driving was just under 3 hours of that. But the little guys and I have to miss the championship game tomorrow since the J has a flag football tournament, which he is less than excited about. We anticipate that there will only be one football game since his team just isn't that good. Sucks is the word he uses before I admonish him for saying suck (he is only 6). They play about as well as a group of 6/7 year olds that haven't played before would play. I think they've only scored 6 touchdowns in the games they played, and J scored 3 of those in the 1 game they won. Against a team that doesn't appear to have much defense.

But J's game is during N's game so that makes it impossible to be at both. So at least I don't feel the need to try.

One good thing about the Cheyenne tournament is that it is an overnighter. That gives me some unwind time that is just mine. Mine only. I'll be alone for several hours while M and J are sleeping. Of course I'll sleep, too, but before that...it's just me. One of the big problems of having the R out of work (besides the lack of money, health care benefits, etc) is that there is just too much togetherness. Sometimes it's great having him around the house when no one else is (if you know what I mean), but I am a person in need of alone time. And sometimes I like to be alone in my house. With nothing I have to do.

And We're Off!

Summer vacation started officially 1 week ago.

To date I've: planted my garden and herbs,

cut down the stems of my bulb flowers of spring past, hung up my hanging planters, weeded,




cleaned out the pantry and the fridge,


changed out my bedspread, run a 10K (the BolderBoulder),

Can you find me?

I walked over a mile in a thunderstorm, and run an additional 12 miles. I've stretched yoga-style for about two hours.

I've attended 3 baseball games and 2 football games.

I've taken the N to piano twice, but only because I forgot the new time I had set up so we actually missed the lesson and had to go back the next day.

I've baked cookies twice (this doesn't go well with the running aspect of the program).


To counteract the effect of the cookies I've eaten 7 salad lunches. I've had fish twice. I've eaten the equivilant of one watermelon, a pint of berries, and god only knows how many grapes, both of the green and red variety.

I've made 12 lattes and 5 ice teas. I've snagged several sips of IZZIs left over from my boys. I've sipped about 30 glasses of water. I've finished 2 beach weight library books. We checked out 15 books from the library last week.

I have NOT: actually applied for jobs using my shiny, new resume. I have NOT worked at all on my friend's web site, that I'm creating for free to have in my portfolio. I've decided I probably need to learn a new technology (drupal) to create this website so I've put my dreamweaver version on hold. However I cannot bear to pick up the book I got about drupal, so I have no clue on how to start.

Which would you pick?

Growth Spurts

Growing up in California, the seasons were pretty much sunny and warm, and rainy and not quite as warm. Things were at their greenest during the winter months when it might, but not necessarily rain for a few days here and there. Things went brown in about June, and become tinder and crispy in July and August.

For the past 10 plus years I've lived places where outdoor life goes dormant for a season, then comes vibrantly back for the spring and early summer. I've never seen sky as blue as it is here in May and June. Against that clarity the newly leaved trees look incredibly green. I remember the first year I lived here I would hold leaves in my hand and marvel at the depth of color. Of course that was the year of marvels -- my first year as a mom. What wasn't amazing at that time? When the days start shortening, the vibrancy fades a bit, but the colors are still bright.

This winter I've spent a lot of time sitting tapping the keys of my computer at a counter-desk that looks out into our little backyard. Last summer we had it landscaped with trees, bushes, and mulch, plus my little vegetable garden. I've looked at the brown, dead-looking bushes concerned that they had seen the last of being green; that they wouldn't come back and our lives would remain dreary and faded.

The first signs of life were of course my bulbs poking through the dirt. The pansies I planted in the fall were grateful for their company and seemed to stand just a little taller in their presence. And in spite of 2 predicted blizzards and potentially flower smashing snows, they've been spared most of it. This past 24 hours of precipitation have been a blessing for my flower children (so far...I have my fingers crossed for tonight which could end up being cold enough for lasting snowfall).

My bulbs weren't my concern. Being underground kept them out of my sight, not a constant reminder of dormancy, of what could be, but isn't, even though they were just beneath the surface. What I saw all winter was the brownness of our bushes, the leaflessness of our trees. What I felt was the uncertainty that it would be okay come spring.

In the past couple of weeks or so there have been signs of reassurance. Greenness is spreading through our backyard. In a month or so there will be more colors, because I see the lilacs are starting to bud, the lavender is starting to unfurl. Soon I'll be planting my herb garden and the deck will be scented with rosemary and mint. There will be marigolds to protect my tomatoes and zinnias to just add a dash of color around the cucumber plants which will probably attempt a garden takeover again this year. Life will be weaving it's way all over out there.

No wonder Spring is such a relief!